Unspeakable

I have some cute Rachel sayings from the last few days, but I don't feel much like posting them right now in the wake of the shooting of 20 kindergarteners in Newtown, Connecticut -- kids just a bit older than Rachel, who could have been Drew's and my daughter, and your granddaughter, and niece, and cousin. Instead I'll just talk about what we did tonight and how I tried not to let my depression from today's horrific tragedy spill over into my time with my daughter.

We had planned to go to synagogue for the annual Hanukkah service (sans dinner, which Drew still complains about from last year so I agreed to skip it and just go to the service) but never made it because the restaurant at which we'd planned to eat beforehand, Kenny & Zuke's, was closed because of a party. How anyone could think of going to a party tonight is beyond me, but...whatever. So we went to McMenamin's, a local restaurant chain that is pretty awful, and ordered some basic sandwich-y food. Drew did a great job of keeping it cheerful, and I finally was able to pick up on his mood and join in. (I also got to talk to him about the end of the search for a new law school dean. Starting in January I'll have a new boss, my third in 2 1/2 years, and I'm hoping for the best). Rachel had insisted Drew bring a dress for her to change into, and the dress she chose was one that Anne had given her years ago from when Anne wore it for Easter when she was a child. Rachel is almost old enough to have grown into it, and when she was sitting down tonight at home, the skirt billowed around her and made her look like a beautiful little princess.

When we told Rachel we didn't have time to go to synagogue, her expression drooped and she said, "The rabbi will be so sad. He won't be able to have Shabbat!" because, she added, he always says it isn't Shabbat until Rachel, his "Shabbat Shalom Girl," throws her arms around his legs and gives him a hug.

So we came home and opened presents. Thank you Ruth for the gorgeous purple pinafore (jumper) and to PopPop and MawMaw for the books and jacket. Rachel especially liked "Perky the Pelican" and "The Magic Treehouse." Both of you know exactly what little girls like (I should have realized this because Lil has granddaughters, after all) and you made us all very happy tonight -- like a little light shining through so much darkness.

And then Drew put Rachel to bed while I started making a chocolate silk pie for a Hanukkah party we're attending tomorrow night. I never did get to give her the huge, long hug I'd been fantasizing about at work while watching the tragedy unfold all day on Facebook. But maybe the point is to try to carry on as normal, without any dramatic "I love you" gestures. Maybe.