Chabad Shabbat

Today was quite a day, not at all the day I expected to have. But good nonetheless.

Soon after giving birth to Rachel, I got connected to a group called Portland Jewish Mamas, a group of mostly non-religious or barely religious Jewish moms who were looking for other Jewish moms with whom to socialize. One of the nicest moms in the group is a woman named Carly, who had two kids at the time -- Lucy and Jimmy, and recently had another boy, Mason -- and we hit it off. She is in her late 20s, went to some prestigious East Coast college whose name I don't remember and graduated with a degree in biochemistry. (I wrote about her huge house several posts back. She has a lot of money, probably from family). She hooked up with the Chabad folks in town and runs their Website. I attended one Chabad luncheon more than a year ago in a cramped apartment, decided it wasn't for me and never returned.

I've been trying to arrange a playdate with Carly and her kids and she suggested I come to the Chabad luncheon today. I got up late and almost decided to ditch it, but then thought -- I promised Carly, I don't want her to think I'm blowing her off, and why not try it again? So I raced Rachel through getting up, reading a book, getting dressed, threw some clothes on and bolted for the new Chabad house in Southeast Portland near Reed College.

I had intended just to stay for the service, which I discovered really wasn't much -- it was the elaborate lunch that draws people. They do it every week. Carly had arranged for a babysitter to watch the kids, and just when I figured we'd make a quick but polite exit, the babysitter brought out puzzles and toys and Rachel was hooked. The Rabbi, Dov, and his wife, Chani, have 4 kids -- Chani can't be older than 28 -- and their girls are Chayamushka, Freidel, Devorah Leah and Chaim (the baby). I stayed for the Torah study, most of which was over my head, and then the elaborate lunch. Other families had arrived and I kept telling Chani that I hadn't made a reservation for lunch but she said -- and everyone echoed her -- that she always made a ton of food and to PLEASE STAY. And another person told me that this is what Chani and Dov live for, to end up with a ton of people in the house and a mess to clean up. Kind of how I feel about Thanksgiving, why I invite more people than I possibly have room for.

So we stayed. They set up a kids table and Rachel was completely unfazed by all the kids, the chaos, the fact that Mommy wasn't with her the whole time. She made friends with the babysitter, ate some challah and drank a lot of apple juice (they had these kid-sized plastic wineglasses that I am just dying to find somewhere; I think it would be great to let Rachel have a little apple juice on Friday nights when we say the blessing over the candles) and generally was her little self-possessed, cheerful self. (This is why I have begun to love weekends instead of dread them, because she is so fun to spend the day with. I can tell it's going to be hard to surrender her to Drew when he comes home for good and wants Rachel and Daddy time).

Chani has such a sweet personality. She has only seen me once or twice and commented on the fact that I've lost a lot of weight, especially in my face, and that Rachel was "so independent!" She kept saying that over and over again. And in fact, when Rachel was trying to get past a folding chair and was having some trouble, and a guest at the luncheon moved to go help her, I held the guest back and said, "let her figure it out for herself." And Rachel did! She just moved the chair out of the way and ran into the living room.

I told Chani that Rachel is so independent because I believe she senses that with Drew gone, Mommy needs help and so she is so willing to set and clear the table, pick things up and put them away or in the garbage when need be, and generally seems to understand that it's just the two of us and she needs to pitch in. Chani cluck-clucked in sympathy and said it must be so hard with my husband away. I replied that, "well, you have four kids! That would be hard!" And she dismissed it with a shrug of her shoulder as if having so many underfoot was no big deal.

I thought about that for a while. To her, and to Carly (who, when I told her about what I do at the law school, said, "that's really important. I wish I had an important job with a title") I am just as exotic to them as they are to me. Chani's world is completely foreign to me -- the no-coloring rule for kids on Shabbat, the huge cooking and domestic chores she's responsible for, the dairy and meat sections of the kitchen, with two stoves, two sinks, two sets of counters and two sets of cabinets, the wigs, the dresses and skirts all the time -- and I'm sure my world is incomprehensible to her -- the husband who's gone for a year (OK, that part is incomprehensible for a lot of my secular friends, too), the full-time job I hold, the fact that Rachel has been in daycare since the time she was six months old, the jeans I live in because skirts and dresses feel uncomfortable to me when I'm not at work, etc. I have no desire to become part of the Chabad movement, just as I'm sure Dov and Chani have no desire to live a secular life rather than a religious one. But none of that matters when I'm over there. They're kind, welcoming and genuinely interested in my life. And they never make me feel out of place.

I don't plan to go there every week, or even every month. But every other month or so, I'd like to bring Rachel to Chabad Shabbat because I look at it as a cultural experience -- much like visiting a Buddhist temple, or celebrating the Chinese Lunar New Year, or going to a Catholic friend's Confirmation (as I did, several times, in Hackensack). I think she'll benefit from the interaction with the kids. She'll see what it's like to live in a wholly religious world (religious at least from that sector of Judaism) and hopefully will decide that being a religious Jew in a secular world suits her just fine.