"Mommy screamed at me"

..my heart stopped when Rachel said that tonight. It's true, I yelled at her twice today. Once was when she was mad that I wouldn't cuddle longer with her in the car after I picked her up from daycare. It was almost 6:30 and all I could think of was the urgency of coming home, washing hands, changing clothes, setting the table, warming up dinner, eating dinner, doing Mommy Books, and getting Rachel to sleep all by 9 p.m.

(Parenthetical thought: I'm beginning to think that the hell with it, I'll have to pick her up before 6. We need time together and I can't stand coming home and having to run around crazily just to get food on the table. If we get home at 7 instead of 7:30, I bet that will make a difference).

Anyway...she got mad when I cut the cuddling short. After I started driving away with her buckled in the backseat, she took one of the pebbles she collected and threw it towards me. It scared me enough so that I turned around and yelled, "DON'T THROW THOSE ROCKS! IT'S DANGEROUS!" (I had visions of her throwing them at my head and me swerving directly into the path of an oncoming car). She immediately started sobbing, then stopped after a few minutes. By the time we got on the highway she had fallen asleep.

The second time was when she got mad that I wouldn't cuddle and read to her on the living-room couch because I had to get dinner on the table. She got so mad that she threw a plastic songbook on the kitchen floor, startling me. "Rachel, DON'T THROW THINGS ON THE FLOOR!" I yelled. (This was after she had followed me into the kitchen, crying, book in hand, because I wouldn't read to her but invited her to join me in the kitchen with the book). I was upset because I hate loud noises, I was startled and there is something awful about throwing books; it feels like a desecration. So whenever Rachel throws books when she's mad, I scold her -- but usually a lot more gently).

I let her cry for a minute or two, then took her into my lap and told her why I was upset -- that she had scared Mommy by throwing the book and that I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at what she had done. Then somehow we got into a tickle-fest and then she asked for Big Kiss and Big Hug, and everything was OK.

But then she said, "Mommy screamed at me" as I was putting her to bed, which meant my anger had made an impression on her. That made me think. I really don't want her to remember this year as one where Mommy was crabby and anxious and tired and mad all the time. That would completely break my heart (and make me wildly jealous of Drew, who will be a rock star when he comes home because Rachel misses him so much). I love her so dearly; all I want to do when she's around is cuddle her, hug her, kiss her and read books. And tickle. And joke around.

I feel lucky every day that I get to be her mommy and I always want her to feel close to me, even when she grows up. It's so easy to wreck a relationship with your kids and that is the driving force behind everything I do with her. I want us to love each other fiercely but be proud of each other as independent beings and, when she's older, I long to have a close, almost-best friends relationship.

But I won't be able to do that if all she remembers is Mommy yelling at her all the time.