Piffanny

This is the photo that 5-year-old Piffanny took today



We took Rachel to the park today after a very rough morning -- she absolutely would not stop whining or crying, even when I took her down to the basement as I re-made the bed in the guest room with clean sheets. Drew was stripping turkey meat from the bones, the last step in the process of making turkey soup. When I brought her upstairs he snapped, "what is WRONG with her today?" I announced that I was going to take her for a walk, but before that I put her in her crib for a baby timeout while I went to the bathroom. And wonder of wonders, she fell asleep! It was around her naptime, so it made sense.

Then Drew went grocery shopping and I mopped the kitchen floor, which I had had been dying to get to. So now our house is really more or less back to normal. I also managed to read the paper a bit before Drew got back and Rachel woke up for lunch.

We raced to Laurelhurst Park, a lovely park within driving distance in southeast Portland, to take advantage of the sunny fall day. That's where I met a little girl named Piffany (at least that's what she said her name was). Rachel reached out to touch her face and she recoiled, which made me wonder if something bad had happened to her at home, or something. But somehow we ended up playing together, and she ended up taking a bunch of pictures of me with my camera. She said she was 5, but she looked more like 9. Drew said later he thought she seemed a bit developmentally delayed -- when I asked her whether she was in kindergarten, she said it wasn't time yet, or she wasn't ready. I couldn't remember.

We played a game of driving and groceries (she turned a wheel on the play structure and insisted that I carry some pretend groceries from the pretend grocery store to the car) and her mom thanked me for playing with her. Later, when she was on the see-saw with her mom and dad, I thanked her for taking such good pictures of me. (Really, they were great pictures and I have so few of me, they're all of Drew and Rachel because Drew's photography skills are next to zero). She said the next time she saw me at the park, she wanted to play hide-and-seek. I said I was looking forward to it.

It was kind of poignant. I have never thought of myself as a particularly child-friendly person; in fact, for a long time, babies were afraid of me. But maybe now that I'm a mom, kids sense that I'm ok. Kind of like Rachel was comfortable with Daniella and Molly -- she knows they're mommies and, therefore, they probablly know what they're doing.

That word...

First use of the word "vagina" yesterday: Rachel pointed down there and asked, "what's that?"
"It's your vagina, sweetie," I answered.

Fortunately she didn't point at it multiple times. I'm hoping that will be enough until she is, oh, 3 or so. Am I being unrealistic?

She also held the cell phone to her ear yesterday when Drew was feeding her lunch. He thought he heard a very garbled, "Hello," followed by, "s daddy." As in, "It's Daddy!"

Kids these days...much more technologically advanced than their parents....

Thanksgiving, Parts II and III

So, yesterday after Molly left far too early (sniff!), Amanda, Jenn, David & Anne decided they wanted to head to Mt. Tabor for a long, hard hike. I would have loved to join them but we needed to put Rachel down for a nap and...she napped for 2 1/2 hours! Then I decided I needed to take a nap and staggered upstairs to the attic, lay down on the futon and napped for TWO HOURS! I never fall asleep in the middle of the day! Could be the exhaustion from the planning and cleaning up after dinner on Thursday that did it.

Amanda & Jenn were kind enough to take Rachel for a walk while Drew & I cleaned up from breakfast yesterday. We feel it is worth noting that a) she wore her hat for THEM, but she never wears it for US; b) when she saw Drew backing Molly's car down our driveway, she stood stock-still, perhaps sensing that it wasn't safe to walk; and c) after a quick walk around the block, she turned right into our driveway as if she absolutely knew where she was going. Could it be that all those walks we took this summer with her in the stroller and me eating gelato have sunk into her memory somehow?

Then Drew & I took Rachel to Laurelhurst Park and I ran into a mom I had met in mom's class named Naomi. Her daughter, Isabella, is chunkier than Rachel but is more confident in her walking. She had an adorable set of rain boots on, which her mom got at Fred Meyer. That's good to know because Rachel can finally fit into the pink raincoat that Grammy and Grandpa got her when we saw them in California! She needs a spiffy set of rain boots to match...

When we got back, we ordered sushi. Drew & David went out to get it while Rachel and I hung out on the couch together and looked at the fire that Drew had built. After a while I fell asleep, and before I knew it, Rachel lay down on my chest and fell asleep, too! It was so cute! David took pictures.

We all watched "Slumdog Millionaire" last night after Rachel went to sleep. This morning, we slept in even later -- until 9:30! When Drew peeked in to Rachel's room, she was sitting in her crib playing quietly with her stuffed dolls and animals. David begged to feed her, and she ate all of the hard-boiled egg he gave her. She also loved looking at the pictures of herself that David showed her through the camera's viewer! Drew made pancakes and bacon, which set off the fire alarm (drat our ventless stove!), then everyone started gathering up their stuff to head out.

So now TLG has been asleep for 2 1/2 hours, Drew is out shopping for fixings for turkey & dumpling soup that he will make tonight and we will enjoy tomorrow night, and I have put in the 145th load of laundry and emptied the 523rd load of dishes from the dishwasher. My chorus is performing tonight. If the weather cooperates, we'll probably take Rachel for a walk this afternoon.

Life is good.

Thanksgiving!!

This is a photo of Rachel's 2nd Thanksgiving (the first, she was too young to do much -- although she did turn over for the first time)!

Wow, what a great time we all had! Drew, The Little Girl and I slept in until 8:30. Then it was bustle bustle bustle around -- luckily, as was the case last year, TLG took a huge nap (in fact, last Thanksgiving was the first time that she did, in fact, nap), so I was able to bake a pumpkin chocolate-chip cake and we got our 14-lb turkey in. Then Drew took a shower, I set the table with the china, silver and crystal that we only use on special occasions, and then I just managed to change into my black velvet top, pants and pearls before everyone began arriving.

We sat down at 5 and Rachel was a most exemplary baby -- although as Drew says, I really can't call her that anymore because of how much she has been WALKING the past couple of days -- not fussing or whining at all, just munching on her challah. (Need to give a big shout-out to Molly, who basically took care of Rachel while Drew & I put the finishing touches on the meal. Molly took Rachel into her room and they read books. When they passed me in the hall and Rachel reached out to me, Molly said sternly, "well, you may want your mommy but she's busy now." Too bad Molly is such a fantastic writer, she really could make a living as a pricey doula or a nanny).

We had enough food for everyone plus a few leftovers -- enough to send people home with food but not enough to unduly crowd our refrigerator. After all the wonderful thank-yous from folks (Molly, Kiki, Jean, Anne, David, Amanda, Jenn, Linda, Doug, Andrew, Jack and Drew), the best compliment of the night was from 3-year-old Jack. After finishing a piece of pumpkin chocolate-chip cake he told me, "this is the best cake EVER!"

I think I'll adopt him.

Happy holidays, everyone, and thank you for making me feel so blessed!

Preferences

Rachel is discovering (or, at least, communicating to us) that she prefers one thing over the other. Last night, for instance, I offered her carrots or sweet potatoes and she pointed to the carrots. If I offer her water, or challah, or other food these days, she'll shake her head "no" decisively, or say "dah!" really excitedly.

Last night as I was stroking her back near her butt when I was rocking her to sleep, she gently took my hand and moved it to her stomach. It felt as if she was saying that the stroking bothered her some way and she wanted to let me know. I find that astonishing.

Readin' Rachel!

From Rachel's daycare report yesterday: "Rachel loved sitting on the mats and looking at books all by herself."

Oh, I love my little bluestocking-in-training. Who needs Baby Einstein when you have books?

Breakthrough!

So, Rachel and I were eating dinner alone together after Daniella, Jojo and Valerie left. She finished her Gardenburger and pointed toward the stove. I took two jars of vegetables off the baby food tray and said, "Which one? Carrots or sweet potatoes?" I swear she pointed to the carrots.

So I plunked down the jar and a spoon, preparing to feed her, when she whined a bit and motioned toward the jar and spoon. "OK, you try it yourself," I said.

Well!

SHE TOOK THE SPOON WITH ONE HAND, DIPPED IT IN THE JAR AND BROUGHT UP SOME CARROTS AND PUT THEM IN HER MOUTH!!! I applauded the first two times, but she barely even acknowledged it. She kept dipping and eating, dipping and eating until she was done with half the jar. I was speechless. No, really, I kept telling her, "You are an AMAZING baby!" She collided with her elbow a couple of times (I had rolled up her sleeves as a precautionary measure) but she got most of what was on the spoon into her body.

RACHEL ATE WITH A SPOON!

I was so excited that I called Mom and Dad. They were very impressed.

RACHEL ATE WITH A SPOON!

I guess she doesn't need me to feed her anymore, huh?

RACHEL ATE WITH A SPOON!

What a relief. I thought I would have to spoon-feed her through kindergarten. And no, I'm not kidding.

Fun with Tia Daniella, Jojo & Valerie

Oh, we've been having so much fun with my sister and her family! They got in unexpectedly late last night, so all we had a chance to do was to put the girls down for bed, eat a takeout dinner of Thai food and go to sleep ourselves.

This morning Rachel started crying at 6:45 a.m., but we didn't go in an eventually she stopped. Then a bit later she stood up in her crib and looked around (we could see her from a crack in the door) and we prayed she would get herself back to sleep...and she did! End result was we got to sleep in until 8:30 or so. What a blessing!

Between naps and lunch, we didn't get out until 3 p.m. We went to Grant Park, where Valerie made a little friend, Aria, 3, who swung Valerie on the swing. Rachel, meanwhile, had made TWO little friends -- Amelia, 7, and her 4-year-old sister. They exclaimed, "OH, she's so cute!" and promptly decided to play with her. With Drew supervising, Amelia even took Rachel in her lap and slid down the steep slide with her -- the steep slide that moments before, Rachel had pitched head-forward on. It was adorable to see!

Then we got home and I started a roast chicken dinner while Rachel napped in her stroller. Daniella and Darryl got Valerie down quite early at 7, after feeding her a homemade dinner of cooked yams and spinach mashed together. Despite repated offers, Rachel declined to sample either. She stuck to her normal dinner of Gardenburger, pasta shells, and challah.

One great thing about having Daniella here is I get witnesses to Rachel's slowly emerging language skills. Today after I hung up the phone with Drew while he was out shopping, both Daniella and I swear we heard Rachel say, "where's Daddy?" And then when I told her the bread she was eating was called challah, she said, "Cha!"

After dinner we sat around eating cupcakes from Saint Cupcake, one of our favorite dessert places, and laughing. Tomorrow Drew leaves for Seattle, I take Rachel to daycare and I will spend the morning hanging out with everyone. We'll go to brunch before heading to the airport. Too bad the visit is so short but we will see them again in April for Passover.

Toddler 2s

..Rachel will probably be joining the Toddler 2s in a couple of months, and the early reports there are that the kids are so friendly! After Drew dropped Rachel off at Toddler 1s one day last week, the Toddler 2s gathered around him, as all of them were in the same activity room. One little boy came up to Drew and handed him a truck!

"I'm glad that the kids here are so well-socialized!" he told Teacher Karen.

Rachel seems to be making the adjustment to Toddler 1s pretty well. She has fallen right into the nap schedule of 11:30 a.m. or so to 2 p.m. We are holding our breaths that she won't get sick, although one of the daycare attendants did write on her report that she was digging in her left ear yesterday. Hope it's not an infection. We are watching her carefully this weekend.

Last night when I picked her up, Liz, one of the daycare ladies on the afternoon shift, said Rachel had a great day. "I've never seen her cry," Liz said. "And she likes crawling into my lap. She's very cuddly!"

Well, yes.

Walking' baby!

Rachel got herself up off the kitchen floor last night after dinner and WALKED through the dining room to the living room! Apparently the only thing that stopped her was the pile of Legos on the living-room rug that she had dumped out earlier that night.

We had a lovely dinner of cornish game hens, couscous and salad. I had the day off so I had plenty of time to prepare dinner and we got to eat at a decent hour. Then I raced out to buy ingredients for two quick breads (one, orange bread, for a guy who bid $20 for four quick breads I offered at the St. James auction, and the second, chocolate-chip banana bread, for Drew who kept throwing off hints that, well we have two overripe bananas, Lisa, and they'd be perfect for banana bread). By the time I got back, Drew was already putting Rachel down for the night, so I cleaned up the kitchen, made the bread and had just enough time to read a story in New York magazine before writing in my journal and heading to bed.

As I was curled up under the sheets, Drew notified me that we can't really call Rachel a baby anymore since she is walking so much. He said he caught himself calling her a baby and stopped himself because it's really not accurate.

"She's a toddler now!" he said, and I grudgingly agreed. Can she really be growing up? Can she?

Rough night

Rachel woke up three times last night -- once at 12:30 a.m., again at 5 and then at 6:30 a.m. Drew took her out of her crib and soothed her the first time; I did the honors the second time, and by the third time we were so tired that Drew said, "I think we should just let her cry it out." We did, and so we all slept in until 8:15! At least we got sleep...

She has been kind of whiny the last few days, maybe she's cutting another tooth. Or one of her tear ducts that is clogged is bothering her. Or...maybe she's just whiny for the sake of being whiny. Sigh.

On the bright side: She apparently has a little boyfriend at daycare named Declan. Her daycare report said she really enjoyed holding his hand and dancing with him yesterday! When Drew picked her up, he said she reached out for Declan. What's the next step? Trading lunches?

Also, the daycare ladies say, she likes tuna fish sandwiches.

Yay! Rachel's here!

...that was the reaction Drew said he got this morning when he dropped Rachel off at daycare: The other kids seemed very excited to see her. They all gathered around Drew as he took her coat off, as if to say, "yay! Rachel's here! Let the games begin!"

Her daycare reports are pretty sunny: "Rachel was quite the chatterbox today. She had a lot to say." "Rachel had fun playing with her friends in the house." "Rachel loved looking at books and listening to songs being sung."

Drew thinks she has a little friend, Ruby. When he left daycare this morning, Rachel was reaching out to touch Ruby's face.

She cries when we leave her in the morning, but when we pick her up at night, she whines a little when we have to go.

Drew also reports that Rachel LOVES walking although she continues to need assistance. When she holds out her arms to us these days, it's not so much that she wants to be held; she just wants to hold hands with us so we can walk her around the house. A friend of ours who has a daughter a little younger than Rachel says her daughter likes to do laps around the house while her mom cooks dinner. She doesn't run, she just walks everywhere!

Rachel also said "hi" last night when he put her in the car seat. He said "hi!" back to her, and she answered "hi" again.

Why I sometimes feel I'm a failure as a mommy

I tried to get Rachel to drink milk from a sippy cup tonight. She took one sip, wrinkled her face in complete and utter disgust, then started crying when I wouldn't take the cup from her and told her firmly, "Rachel, you need to try." Then I tried to force her to drink it, and she screamed and sobbed. I finally gave up, poured the milk into a bottle and she eagerly grabbed it.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm tired from last night, but I was really annoyed at her and angry with myself. When she started drinking from a sippy cup, why oh why didn't we just fill it up with milk and throw away the bottles? She can't drink from a bottle forever. How long is it going to take to wean her away from them? Isn't daycare supposed to be helping with this? Will she be only 4-year-old who walks around with a bottle?

I guess I'm just frustrated because she isn't walking completely yet. Tonight she kept holding up her arms, sometimes when she was sitting on the floor and sometimes when she was standing up and leaning against me. I told her NO -- she needs to walk or crawl on her own. (Preferably walk). She can do it, I've seen her, and then she just stops. I'm tired of people tellking me that I don't want her to walk because then she's harder to keep up with. I DO want her to walk because I want her to hop in and out of the car so I don't have to keep lifting her all the time. For heaven's sake, she's 16 months already!! We stopped in a bookstore tonight to buy a birthday gift for our friend Anna's 3-year-old daughter, Ruth, and I had to drag the car seat in and plant it in the children's section while I browsed. I would have loved to be able to walk into the store with Rachel next to me.

It feels as if she is stuck on 12 months and isn't moving forward.

We love Molly!

..because she has a big house in Eugene and loves it when I come down there with Rachel. I gave Drew a baby-free day yesterday; he got his hair cut, his oil changed, finished installing shelves in the closet, did the grocery shopping -- and even had some time to hang out at Powell's. I headed to Eugene at 10:30, with an unexpected detour in Salem, then got to Molly's at 1:30.

She had a fire going in her "hearth room" where she has installed two couches she bought for a song on e-Bay. We spent most of the day inside talking while Marigold played nearby and Calvin and Camilla ran and yelled outside. Camilla, of course, was delighted to see Rachel. She kept hugging and kissing her and Rachel kept smiling at her and giggling. If only they would stay here for a couple of years, I think Camilla and Rachel would turn out to be really good friends.

Molly graciously called a babysitter to watch the kids after she asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner. The babysitter turned out to be two girls -- sisters, one 15 and one 12. They are certified Red Cross babysitters and have gotten training for watching infants and have watched Marigold since she was born. I felt a little nervous leaving Rachel with them, since we usually have Angela, the sister of Drew's friend Jack, babysit Rachel. Angela is 25 and pretty much raised her little brother (and can deal with crying) so we feel very comfortable.

Rachel cried as I was leaving, but Molly & I headed for the sushi place and talked and laughed -- it was like old times when she and I were single, 20-somethings in Minnesota. I called Lauren in the middle of dinner to suggest she feed Rachel and that the food was in the diaper bag. The conversation went like this:

Me: Is Rachel OK?
Lauren: Sure!
Me: You mean, she hasn't been crying all night?
Lauren: She hasn't been crying at all!
Me: Um, do you mind feeding her? Are you comfortable with that?
Lauren: Sure!
Me: Do you know where the diaper bag is?
Lauren: Sure!
Me: There should be food in there.
Lauren: OK! (subtext: I can't believe how worried this mom is!)

When we got back, Rachel was fast asleep on the couch, a stuffed rabbit near her elbow and a Bobby pillow at her head. She was covered with a soft knit blanket. Lauren said she was absolutely no trouble -- they spent the time on the couch laughing and reading books together.

Unfortunately I left Eugene way too late -- 8:30, with Rachel tucked into a pair of Marigold's pajamas that Molly graciously loaned me. I paid for it; Rachel awoke at 4 a.m. and wouldn't stop crying (screaming, really) after Drew tried to give her water and soothe her. Both he & I were so tense that we never truly got back to sleep. Rachel cried out in her sleep twice at 5 a.m. and 5:30 a.m. Neither of us could sleep in, since Drew had to head to Seattle and I had a 9:15 a.m. breakfast meeting. Rachel, of course, slept until just before 9!

We are crossing our fingers that this is not a repeat of the wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night behavior she exhibited at 6-9 months. I've gotten used to getting enough sleep and I do NOT want to revert back to the bad old days.

Dinner with Becky & Edwin

...was really marvelous! We went to Lucca, a lovely little place right down the street. (In a sign I really am getting Mommy Brain, I thought Drew was referring to a place called Lauro, in southeast Portland, as the place we should take them). Lucca was the last place I ate dinner before going to the hospital for an induced labor. We haven't been there since; I've been afraid to take Rachel anywhere that isn't specifically family-friendly (i.e., that has a play area and burgers on the menu).

Well. Our little girl was so well-behaved at dinner! She looked around at everything and even flirted with a waiter who is a foster dad and gave her his finger to grasp. She didn't whine or cry AT ALL. What a super baby!

Of course, it helped that the restaurant, as upscale as it is, welcomed Rachel by handing her a sippy cup of water without me even asking. And there was at least one other baby there, plus a couple that came in while we were ordering. The couple brought their 3-year-old and newborn and looked completely relaxed.

Later, Rachel even let Edwin hold her. By the end of the evening she was snuggling against his chest.

When we got home, we let watched Rachel play on the floor for a bit before I put her down to sleep and Drew drove Becky & Edwin back to their hotel. While we watched Rachel, I suddenly had a vision of Mom and Dad watching me/Daniella/Becky/and her brother, Joel, play on the floor while chatting with Becky and Joel's mom and dad. (Jack is Mom's brother; Kay is his wife). Funny to think how long ago that was, and how the scene is repeating itself with another generation.

Altogether, it was a very successful evening!

Picking Rachel up from daycare

I did the honors last night, at Drew's request. When I arrived at 3 minutes before 6 at the entrance of St. James -- her new pickup place, since Toddler 1s are on the other side of the church -- she was sitting placidly on the floor like a little Buddha, staring out the glass door as the other parents and teachers milled around. (One nice thing about the move to Toddlers is they bring the kids and diaper bags down to the lobby to wait for the parents).

It took her a while to recognize mommy, probably because it was so dark outside. But as soon as I got her in my arms and started walking back to the car, she began pointing all over the place: At the oncoming headlights, the Portland Art Museum, other pedestrians, other kids.

Just for a moment, I saw the world through her eyes: Lots of bright lights, wet (it was drizzling) and people rushing everywhere. That's her view of life right now.

Busy weekend!

Today we're meeting with my cousin Becky and her husband, Edwin. They're in town for a conference and have never met Rachel, so we should have a fun time. We plan on going to a nice restaurant for dinner called Luca. Drew and I used to go there a lot pre-Rachel, and there is a wonderful dessert place across the street called Pix Patisserie. It will be interesting to see if Rachel behaves herself. Cross your fingers!

Then tomorrow I plan to drive to Eugene to hang out with our friend Molly and her three kids, leaving Drew at home to take care of some personal and house errands. I'm working unexpectedly on Monday and will probably take next Friday off.

I went to a going-away party for a colleague last night while Drew stayed home with The Little Girl. They had a great time laughing and playing together. She woke up once, around 10, but he was able to soothe her back to sleep. We don't know why she does that; it's an on-and-off thing these days.

At the party last night I had a long talk with Kathleen, a former editor of mine whose husband of 30 years died of cancer earlier this year. Her daughter has been having troubles and Kathleen, of course, is suffering the anxiety all of us are over the state of the newspaper industry. But she told me that she feels so fortunate that she had so many good years with Pat, her late husband, and that his illness really taught her to live in the moment. Look around you, she said, at the way the light reflects off the glasses, all the colleagues who were here tonight, etc.

I started crying, realizing how much I truly have. Yes, we really need to make more money and I am scared we won't be able to afford college for Rachel (and a sibling, if we are lucky enough to produce one) and a decent retirement. But my baby is healthy, my husband and I are employed and we live in a wonderful city with relatives close by. Really, life is good.

Sweet 16!

No, you're not dreaming -- our little girl hasn't suddenly become a teenager. She was 16 months old yesterday and, as usual, mommy is just catching up.

Rachel is:

--walking, by inches, with more confidence. She has taken up to 12 steps all by herself.

--terrified of the toothbrush (see previous post).

--covering her eyes with her hands and playing peek-a-boo. She also covers her eyes after she watches mommy do so on Shabbat.

--enjoying her rubber duckies that our friend, Charon, gave to her for her 1st birthday. They're her bathtime companions, she clutches one of them while I rock her to sleep, takes them in the car to daycare. Otherwise, she seems to not be interested in dolls or stuffed animals right now. We will make a point of introducing them to her again.

--really enjoying stacking blocks and boxes. And, of course, knocking them down!

--turning off lights. Most of the lights are push-button ones, so they're pretty easy for her to turn off and on.

--jumping into the fray at daycare. She's right at home with the older kids, they tell us.

--really into books. She loves looking at them, loves the feel and heft. Right now they're her favorite playthings. The ones she loves us to read to her are: Polar Bear Polar Bear What Do You See? and a book about dogs that I think is completely dumb but was Drew's favorite as a child. She likes it too!

--loving the game that mommy plays with her: When I go out of the room, sometimes I'll pop my head back around and growl, "RACHEL"! and give her a big smile. She can't get enough.

--looking like Drew, still.

--giggling crazily when we tickle her, which is very often. Her tickle spots are under her arms, her neck and her feet.

--throwing temper tantrums on the changing table. We have no idea why.

--kicking and stomping her feet when she wants to climb up somewhere (like the leather loveseat) or wants out of her car seat.

--pointing and saying, "wash shat?" with everything, it seems.

--still averse to trying new foods, alas. We seem to have settled on a no-meat diet of Gardenburgers, whole-wheat shells, eggs (yolk and all), cheese sticks, fruit, jarred vegetables and applesauce. Sigh. Does this mean she will be an unadventurous eater?

--merry and playful and real joy to come home to at night!

Toothbrush terror

We have made lame attempts at trying to brush Rachels' teeth, to no avail. She screams and cries whenever we get the toothbrush near her mouth. You'd think we were trying to torture her, or something.

So, tonight we're going to grit our teeth and force the toothbrush in her mouth -- gently, of course -- and just do it. One of us will hold her and the other will put the brush in her mouth, after showing her that mommy and daddy brush their teeth, too.

"I'd rather go through this now than have her get baby cavities," Drew says.

Cooperative baby

..that's what Drew told me to title the post today after Rachel very obligingly (and unusually) awoke at 7:15, just in time for me to feed her, dress her, take her to day care VERY early and get on the road for Hillsboro, about an hour west of Portland, to cover a hearing that began at 9 a.m. I was terrified of waking her up early, but Rachel opened her eyes as soon as I turned off the humidifier and rain tape we play every night. She gave me a big smile and only fussed a little when I got her on the changing table.

Bottom line: I got to the courthouse a half-hour early -- and, of course, the hearing didn't start until 9:15.

"We have a championship baby!" I told Drew by phone this morning. He is in Seattle until Wednesday, so I have an extra morning with Rachel. I plan to let her sleep because I'd like to take tomorrow off.

In other news: On her first day visiting Toddler 1s yesterday, we received this report: "Rachel made herself right at home in Toddler Ones. She loved looking at the books and enjoyed listening to songs being sung."

Way to go, Rachel! Perhaps the transition will be a tiny bit easier than mommy thought?

Playdates galore!

Yesterday I took Rachel out of the house while Drew installed shelves in the closet and moved ALL HIS CLOTHES OUT OF RACHEL's CLOSET. Now she has a closet all to her herself! It looks kind of empty without all of Drew's sweaters, but I'm sure it will fill up with tight jeans, oversize blouses...all the clothes I won't be able to stand. Ooh, I can't wait for all the fights about makeup, short skirts, inappropriate shirts....

Anyway, we met our friends Anna and Ruth, who is 3, at a cool coffeeshop near the library with lovely pastries. Rachel crawled around on the tiny playspace, which had two books and a pile of Legos. Once the older kids started playing with the Legos, she got right into the fray and took the Legos apart then handed them back to the kids. She also cuddled on my lap. I think Anna has a complex because Rachel refuses to let her hold her, but I'm sure that will change. Bet Anna will be one of her heroines someday, someone she can talk to because MOMMY JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME...

Then we headed south to Doug and Linda's. Their boys, Andrew and Jack, very sweetly went up to their rooms and kept coming down with toys for Rachel to play with. She was very interested in some play fruit, a puzzle and a wooden box with different-shaped blocks she could pile into the box. At around 3 p.m. I pulled her into my lap and she fell asleep on my chest! Babies get so sweaty and hot when they sleep.

Then I got home and Rachel threw the most amazing temper tantrum last night during her bath. She was also very cranky on the changing table this morning. I finally leaned her against my chest and stroked her back and she immediately calmed down. She's so adorable most of the time, I hope she's not entering an unpleasant new stage.

Shabbat candles

..Almost every Friday night, whether I've been to services (like last night) or not, we light the Shabbat candles. I cover my eyes and say the blessing over the candles, then say a separate blessing for Rachel. I put my hand on her head and tell her to be like our founding mothers -- Leah, Rebecca, Ruth and Rachel. Then we do the blessing over the bread and drinks, and eat.

Last night, after I uncovered my eyes and started blessing Rachel, she covered her own eyes, as if she wanted to say her own little blessing! I was absolutely astonished and very moved. I love the idea that she will think of Shabbat as a lovely, peaceful way to end the week.

Flu shot champ!

Drew took Rachel to get her second dose of seasonal flu shot yesterday, followed by the oh-so-precious H1N1 shot. If I can editorialize a bit here: If you have the chance to get your kid an H1N1 shot, DO IT!! Two friends of mine have had kids who've gotten swine flu and it is NO FUN. I would do anything to avoid exposing Rachel to it.

Anyhow: Drew also was able to get an H1N1 shot because of his "chronic condition" -- i.e., asthma -- which puts him at greater risk. He said that as soon as Rachel saw him get his shot, she started crying.

"I couldn't tell whether she was crying out of compassion for me, or because she knew she was next," he told me.

Bottom line: Rachel recovered quickly and ended up playing with two adorable little girls in the play area of the pediatrics department. By the time I got home from Shabbat services last night, she was her usual cheerful, giggly self.

We have walking!!

Rachel took six steps ALL BY HERSELF yesterday! It happened while I was at chorus. Apparently she matter-of-factly stood up near the coffee table, walked over to her toybox and pulled out a couple of toys.

Later she walked three steps, then plopped down on the floor and laughed and laughed and laughed. Drew said it was almost as if she was saying, "wow! This is so cool! Look at me!"

Why Rachel is a blessing

I was feeling like a really bad mommy today when I was fighting traffic to get to daycare on time. I ended up being 5 minutes late. Luckily Valentina, one of my favorite attendants, the one who loves Rachel, was there and held her while I grabbed the diaper bag and mumbled an apology.

Rachel was kind of fussy tonight, bursting into tears and stomping her feet (really!) when she didn't get her way. I finally gave in and lifted her up on the loveseat and she snuggled onto my chest after one of her crying fits. She lay there for 10 minutes, with me stroking her back. I think she was trying to calm herself down.

The leg-kicking is new. She did it when I tried to buckle her into the car seat today, and she does it when she's anxious to get out. Sometimes she'll kick her feet on the changing table when she wants to get up, or in my arms after I've taken her out of her crib.

She had a light dinner tonight -- I kind of forgot to give her applesauce for dessert -- but she was so snuggly that I read all the books she wanted me to. It make up for this morning, when I only had time for one book and she threw a fit.

So why is she a blessing? Because there's nothing like holding a freshly bathed, cuddly baby in a soft sleepsuit hours after getting the news that there will definitely be layoffs next year, sometime after February. The newspaper needs to get rid of 40 people and, frankly, I don't know how they'll do it. We're thin as it is. Just one more thing for me to stress out about.

Toddler blues

Drew and I toured the Toddler 1 section of daycare, where Rachel will start Nov. 16th. I was disappointed. The windows in each room are tiny, the rooms themselves looked grubby and the kids -- the ones who, just a week or so ago were in Mobiles with Rachel -- looked runny-nosed and a few seemed unhappy. And I've been told the main woman there, Teacher Karen, was great, but...she talked reallyreallyreally fast and it was hard to keep up with what she was saying. She also noted gently that toddlers are much more on a schedule than Mobiles. For instance, snack is at 9, lunch is at 11 or so, naptime is 11:30 until 2:30 and they nap on mats with blankets, not cribs. The whole idea of a schedule seems so grownup and corporate, and Rachel is still LITTLE! She woke up this morning at 9:15 a.m. (ok, granted, that was a little late for a weekday) and I can't stand the thought of putting her to sleep at 8 so she can get all whacked out and start waking at 6 just because some daycare needs her to be on a schedule.

Drew, who took the tour with me, said at one point, "Lisa, you look traumatized." I was, and I started crying. She's not even walking yet! Why does she have to move to another room? Teacher Karen said most kids take weeks to adjust, and it's new germs so they get runny noses and ear infections (oh, joy) and the transition is the hardest they'll ever make at St. James. However...Teacher Karen has been there for 21 years, her own daughter went through the program (I didn't have the heart to ask her whether she ended up at an Ivy League college), they have whole milk there so we won't have to bring it from home, they'll try to get her to drink milk from a cup, they'll encourage her to walk. And they don't watch TV and she won't get juice (we only give her water or milk). Still...

The whole experience left me very depressed today. Not even clothes shopping could lift my mood. I just wanted to run back to Mobiles, scoop Rachel up and say loftily, "you can't have my child. I'm keeping her until she's ready for kindergarten, and I'm finding another daycare with big sunny rooms and where they're on my daughter's schedule, not the other way around."

But of course, that is unrealistic. Drew reminded me that Rachel will have to wake up earlier eventually, and that it's easier to get her to do so now than when she's in kindergarten (which I had secretly hoped I could put off until then). A friend of mine reminded me later that children aren't really ours, we just get to borrow them, and our whole aim in life is to help prepare them to leave us one day as independent, sane human beings.

But as I was cuddling her in my arms tonight and singing to her as she fell asleep, I thought how much I'll miss these days. Her breath was so soft on my chin, and her little hand was tucked up near my neck, and I could feel how much she trusted her mommy to make her feel safe and loved, with no good reason other than she really doesn't have a choice.

I hope I never let her down, and I hope I can tell her how someday how I cried while I wrote this, realizing she will someday grow up and go away and all I'll be able to do is wave goodbye.

Winter's on the way....

...because today was the end of Daylight Savings Time. I was worried that Rachel would decide to wake up early since we set our clocks back, but no...she slept until 8:30! I played with her a bit this morning while Drew slept in, showered and made us breakfast. Then he took The Little Girl grocery shopping while I baked chocolate-chip banana bread. It's one of four breads I offered as part of the St. James spring carnival/auction and someone actually bid on it! The next three breads will be gingerbread, pumpkin bread and orange bread. Drew is very jealous, so I'm trying to make it up tonight -- I'm making turkey thighs with mashed potatoes and a beef barley stew that we both love. We won't have to cook at ALL this week -- too many leftovers!

We took Rachel to Laurelhurst Park today, a lovely park that we don't visit that often. She had a fun time on the play structure, then we visited the dog run. We played a little game with Drew holding her hands as she walked toward me, and I walked backward. So she had to catch up!

As I was watching her walk toward me in her little pink coat with multicolored buttons I stared hard at her, trying to remember every feature of her face and what it felt like to watch her walk toward me. I'm hoping the memory lasts with me when she's old enough to walk on her own and, in fact, will no longer want to spend weekends with her parents taking walks through the park.

She took one perfect step on her own this morning. Then she thought better of it and resumed crawling.