A worrisome trend

I've written before about Rachel's need to punish herself when she's done something that she thinks will make us angry. The other night she knocked over a vase of flowers accidentally and then was beside herself. Drew had to calm her sobbing and her saying, "No one makes mistakes like I do!" and reassure her that, yes, everyone makes mistakes.

The other day I walked into her room as she was getting ready for a playdate and she was crying and said, "I'm afraid you're going to be really mad at me." When I asked her what was wrong, she said that she had thrown away a necklace I'd gotten her for Valentine's Day -- a dreamcatcher, from Target, which cost about $9.99 -- as a way of punishing herself for doing something so innocuous I can't even remember. I had to sit on her bed with her and say that she shouldn't punish herself like that, that Mommy and Daddy and the outside world will punish her enough and that she doesn't need to take that burden on herself. Then she gave me a worrisome answer: "I do it because it makes me feel better." I had visions of her cutting herself when she was a teenager, and I urged her NOT TO THROW AWAY THINGS THAT SHE LOVES again.

Well, when Drew heard tonight that she'd done that, he hit the roof. He told her that she had compounded the original mistake by throwing away something that "your mother gave you" and that she needs to stop doing that. He was so upset that Rachel ended up getting upset, leaving the table (she had come downstairs after being in bed, saying she was hungry, and so she ate some challah), going upstairs and sobbing -- we could hear her downstairs. I wanted to go after her, but Drew said, "Let her cry. If she keeps throwing away things that we give her, then maybe we should just stop giving her things."

I thought that was a little harsh, mainly because I thought Rachel and I had sorted that out a few days ago. I peeked in on her and she had fallen asleep, so I took the book and her flashlight and put them away. Tonight at the science fair, I asked the vice principal who the guidance counselor is because I'm thinking of making an appointment to talk to her about this thing Rachel has about punishing herself. I need to find a way to nip it in the bud before it gets out of control.